Thecuriousmail’s Weblog

POPE BENEDICT MAKES GEORGE W BUSH A SAINT!

Posted in Uncategorized by thecuriousmail on April 28, 2009
Pope Benedict and George W Bush, after Mr Bush became a saint.

Pope Benedict and George W Bush, after Mr Bush was canonized.

 In a ceremony at the Vatican today Pope Benedict made George W Bush the first saint of the 21st century.

 Pope Benedict applauded Mr Bush for his life of heroic
Christian virtue as leader of the free world. “My son has demonstrated a life of  faith, hope and charity, of  justice,
temperance and fortitude, and it is an inspiring  example of what we all can achieve,” said the Pope.
A clearly happy and proud Mr Bush thanked the pontiff for
the honour, and said “all my life had lead to this special
moment”. “I’ve always thought of myself as a latter-day Charlemagne- guess there was a bit of saint in me too,” said Mr Bush.
The pope explained that the final hurdle in Mr Bush’s canonization, that of a miracle, was overcome when “God’s
hand” could be seen diverting the path of the shoes thrown by an Iraqi journalist at Mr Bush in a 2008 press
conference. “God intervened to protect his messenger,” said Pope Benedict.
Mr Bush was also applauded for his display of Christian forgiveness in interceding on behalf of the Iraqi journalist,
and ensuring that he was not punished. “I thought I’d better forgive him. You see,  some things I’ve done might
need to be forgiven too. I’m getting in first,”  joked Mr Bush.
Mr Bush is the first living person ever to be canonized. Normally a person must be dead at least 5 years before any
investigation is begun. Pope Benedict explained the departure from tradition by saying “In these uncertain times,
the world should turn to the light of great examples like Saint George W.”
Mr Bush accepted his canonization with a kiss to the Pope’s offered hand. There was some suggestion of  tongue
 in the kiss.
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MISS PIGGY IN SWINE FLU TERRORIST PLOT

Posted in Uncategorized by thecuriousmail on April 27, 2009

miss-piggyFrom an undisclosed location Miss Piggy today threatened the future of the world with a global epidemic.

In a startling message to the world, Miss Piggy said that Swine Flu was her creation, and that unless all pigs were freed from captivity, she would infect the world. The world had two days to comply to her demands, and she indicated that failure to comply would result in millions of human deaths.

In Amerika, the Head of Homeland Security said the world would not be held to ransom by a maniacal pink pig, and that no stone will be left unturned in the effort to locate and destroy Miss Piggy’s headquarters.

It is understood that political and military figures have begun receiving inoculations against the swine flu, and that these inoculations will begin to be available to the general population once stockpiles have increased, but subject to no significant rise in the cost.

Miss Piggy had been a reclusive figure for the last twenty years, and little is known of her during this period, but observers believe that she is now determined to achieve her goal of freeing all pigs from captivity, whatever the cost.

Kermit the Frog, who is battling serious illness, did come to Miss Piggy’s defense, saying that she was passionate and headstrong, but he had never known her to be vicious. “Does she have a point about the pigs?” he asked. He then broke into a moving rendition of ‘Que Sera, Sera’.

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AUSTRALIA TO GET A POET LAUREATE, MATE!

Posted in Uncategorized by thecuriousmail on April 23, 2009

The Prime Minister, Mr Kevin Rudd, announced today that a selection panel would begin evaluating applications  for the newly-created position of Australia’s first poet laureate.

“I’m very excited to announce this today,” said Mr Rudd. “It’s time for Australia to show the world that we are sophisticated and literate.”

But Mr Rudd was clear that he wanted a ‘people’s poet’ who wrote poetry that “ordinary people could relate to”. “I want someone who can celebrate what it means to be Australian, and inspire Australian society to even greater heights. Like the Opera House in prose I reckon” said Mr Rudd.

The poet laureate position will be for life, with a substantial annual stipend and free VB beer. The person is expected to contribute a poem on important national occasions, like Anzac Day, the Melbourne Cup,  and the football Grand Final.  Mr Rudd indicated that if he hadn’t gone into politics, he could have “made a mark in poetry”, but was frustrated by the sentiment that the only good poet is a dead one.

It is believed that top candidates for the poet laureate position include John Elliot, Kylie Minogue, Shane Warne and Paul Keating.  Only Mr Keating could be contacted for a response, and he said “If pimple-headed Rudd reckons I’m going to write ditties for dumb and drunk bogans, he’s stupider than he looks.”

Mr Rudd indicated that he was inclined to support the proposal that a lasting contribution a poet laureate might make to the Australian people, is after death to have themselves stuffed, mounted, and put on display at the Australian Museum,  though some critics suggest this might limit nominations.

BRITISH POLICE AT G20 DEMONSTRATIONS LIED AND KILLED

Posted in Uncategorized by thecuriousmail on April 22, 2009

g20

The conduct of British police at the recent G20 summit in

London clearly indicated a premeditated intention by the police

to act in a criminal manner, and instances of unprovoked

assault on protesters by police, corroborated by independent

witnesses, have emerged.

I’d like to concentrate on one case, that of  Mr Ian Tomlinson.

Mr Tomlinson was on his way home from work trying to

negotiate his way through the protesters.

He died amidst the protest.

Police say there had been no contact whatsoever between themselves and Mr Tomlinson. A Post Morten is done

and Mr Tomlinson is said to have died of a heart attack.

A British newspaper publishes statements from three witnesses saying Mr Tomlinson had been confronted and

attacked by police, that he was struck and pushed to the ground.  The newspaper also publishes a photograph of

Mr Tomlinson lying on the ground. Police accuse the newspaper of causing distress to the dead man’s family.

Police continue to deny any contact whatsoever with Mr Tomlinson.

A video is publicised that shows Mr Tomlinson being attacked (from behind) by the police, and thrown to the ground.

Another Post Morten is undertaken, and its findings are that Mr Tomlinson died from internal bleeding

(in the abdomen), with the cause not identified.

Police provide a statement of “sincere regret” in regards to Mr Tomlinson’s death.

Independent investigations are hoped to be continued into this matter.

As an aside, contrary to police rules, police involved had removed identifying marks on their uniforms (such as

numbers and names). Maybe they could have just worn masks, and so make their intensions plain to everyone.

Incidentally, this is the same police force that killed Brazilian man Mr Menezes on a train at Stockwell station.  Mr

Menezes had been shot 5 times in the head from close range. At the time police said the shooting (their shooting of

 Mr Menezes) was “directly linked” to the ongoing London bombs inquiry. This was later proved to be entirely

false; the fact is that Mr Menezes had no contact or involvement with any such  group or matter.

No police officer, nor the police themselves, faced any serious consequences in this matter, even though an

innocent man was murdered by the police. So a line has been drawn in the sand: if the police can get away

with murder in the name of fighting terrorism (which they have),  then torture, lies and disinformation,

or whatever else they choose to do, is entirely acceptable (as it is less than what has already

been approved of).

But does all this not make the police themselves terrorists (check your dictionary for definitions)??

And in a real and practical sense, you can’t help thinking that the police are themselves escalating an already

volatile situation. After all that has happened, do you think a protester is now more inclined, or less inclined,

to use violence against the police??

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RING-RING, YOU’VE CALLED THE NATIONAL SECURITY HOTLINE

Posted in Uncategorized by thecuriousmail on April 21, 2009

Ring ring, “Hi. Thank you for calling the national security hotline. How may I help you?”

“I’m calling about something I saw the other day that seemed a bit strange.”

What was strange sir?”

I saw a two-headed snake in the backyard. It looked like a red-bellied  black, and it was big. I’m an old man you see, and I wasn’t really sure at first.  So I called the wife  and she came out and had a look, and sure it was a snake. Oh, with two heads. I went and got my shovel, but then I couldn’t decide which of its heads to wallop. ”

Sir, this is the terrorism hotline. Did it have anything to do with terrorism?”

Your ad on tv says to ring if you see anything strange. You don’t think that was strange??”

Yes sir, the snake is strange. But does it have anything to do with terrorism?”

It could, you know it could have been a terrorist’s snake. Those terrorists are pretty cunning. They could be training them. Thinking about it, I reckon the snake looked a bit Muslim, if you know what I mean.”

Are you making this up Sir?”

No way. I don’t like snakes, yeah, but I’m not making it up. You people want us people to tell you this kind of stuff.

I want to tell you, but you don’t want to listen.”

“Sir we are very busy here. Do you have anything else to report?”

I don’t think I like your attitude. You’re not exactly very helpful here. In fact, I think I’m a bit suspicious. Your ad

says to tell you if something doesn’t seem right, and I’m telling  you now, you don’t seem right to me!  How do I

know you’re not a terrorist then? Tell me that if you can . .

And that bloody snake could’ve exploded and killed me!  Then you’ d believe me, wouldn’t you?”

Thank you for calling the national security hotline Sir.”

IN DEFENCE OF CAPITALISM

Posted in Uncategorized by thecuriousmail on April 20, 2009

If we could control the weather, would we allow cyclones,  droughts?? Would we allow earthquakes or tsunamis if we could control them??

Would we??

We have these kind of extremes in our economy.  And we could control them. Why do we not do so??

Millions of people across the planet have lost their jobs and incomes, through no fault of their own.

But who is responsible?? And who pays the price??

Some people have died, more will die,  some will take their own lives, because of something they

did not cause. But we can control it.

And choose not to. Why??

WHY??

WHY??

Australia was established as a penal settlement by the British. In high school I remember reading

about transportation. A man with no money and no job who say steals  a loaf of bread just to feed

his family.

He is arrested, found guilty, and sentenced to transportation. But he had to feed his family. He

was  poor, and no work was to be had.

What would you do??

The rule of law–

Are the poor expected to die . . . obediently?

Greed and endless consumption is what now defines us–

Are the poor expected to die . . . happily?

What do you think the privileged would say to defend their privilege?

If I was such a man today, I would do more than steal a loaf of bread.

MALCOLM ‘NO-SENSE’ TURNBULL IN A CAUTIONARY TALE

Posted in Uncategorized by thecuriousmail on April 20, 2009
Malcolm Turnbull

Malcolm Turnbull, former Australian politician.

Children, this is a very strange  tale indeed. Are you

tucked up tight in bed? Ok, good.

Once upon a time there lived a man who sought to lead his

people to the Promised Land, a land of wealth and pleasure,

of free markets and conspicuous consumption.

His name was  Malcolm and he thought he had a divine right to

rule. But he struggled for acceptance. The people saw him

as privileged and pampered, and Malcolm grew  increasingly frustrated.

But in an instant he thought he had the answer and made a decision that became known later as the ‘Malcolm Gambit’.

To every question and request he said ‘no’, where any decision had to be made he decided in the negative. He knew

what he had done in the past had obviously failed, so such a radical course of action he thought was warranted.

He didn’t tell people what he had decided though, so his constant negativity and opposition left most people non-

plussed. He became known as the ‘no’ man.

But Malcolm had started a chain-reaction and an existential black hole was forming around him. A physical black

hole sucks in matter, but an existential black hole sucks in negativity, and Malcolm was at its centre

 and becoming the most negative person in the universe.

All this negativity was too much for Malcolm, would be too much for any person to bear, and he completely stopped

making sense. Malcolm had become the ‘no sense’ man, a mere shadow of his former self: no longer witty or

vivacious ( well he liked to think he was anyway), not even simply negative, he was now a no man who made no sense.

People stopped listening to him, and his friends and supporters were quick to desert him.

Sadly gone forever were Malcolm’s hopes of becoming leader and leading the people to the Promised Land.

A wreck, he lived out his shortened life in obscurity as the Liberal Party President.

Children, remember what happened to Malcolm, don’t be negative just for the sake of being negative. The no man

ended up making no sense at all. Remember the stupidity of the Malcolm Gambit children, and so live a long and

positive life.

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Johnny Cash — Man in Black

Posted in Uncategorized by thecuriousmail on April 19, 2009

 

A man I much respect, a man who I think I would have liked if I had known him.

1932 — 2003

QLD GOVT TO RAFFLE HOSPITAL PLACES

Posted in Uncategorized by thecuriousmail on April 19, 2009
Qld Premier Anna Bligh

Qld Premier Anna Bligh

Queensland Premier, Ms Anna Bligh,  announced today that the Health Department would run a special raffle of hospital surgery places.

With Queensland’s large  and ever increasing public hospital waiting list, and people continuing to die while waiting for surgery, prizes in the raffle will be 100 places in a Qld public hospital for immediate surgery.

Ms Bligh said “Australians love a bet, so it was the obvious way to go. You’ve got to be in it to win it!”

Tickets in the raffle will be $11 each, and there will be 250,000 tickets available. Ms Bligh encouraged family and friends of those needing surgery to buy as many tickets as they could afford. “A hospital place is transferable, so a winner could give it to a family member needing surgery,” said Ms Bligh.

Opposition Health spokesman, Mr Mark McArdle, rejected the raffle proposal, saying “health care should always be about whether you can afford it or not. I wouldn’t want to be in the same ward as some desperate poor person just because they were lucky.”

Other State and Territory Health Ministers are now believed to be considering holding their own raffles.

RUDDOCK CALLS FOR A HOME GUARD TO COMBAT REFUGEE INVASION

Posted in Uncategorized by thecuriousmail on April 17, 2009
Philip Ruddock, General-Designate of the proposed Home Guard.

Philip Ruddock, General-Designate of the proposed Home Guard.

Former Howard government Minister, Mr Philip Ruddock, has called

for the establishment of a Home Guard to protect Australia from a

refugee invasion.

Mr Ruddock said because of a lefty Rudd government, and an indecisive

defence force, refugees now saw Australia as an easy target.

“Make no mistake, it’s an invasion, and I call on all loyal Australians to

join the Home Guard,” said Mr Ruddock. “Those  refugees come here

 illegally, and we have a right to defend ourselves.”

The proposed Home Guard would be armed  and would initially patrol 

Sydney Harbour. Mr Ruddock indicated that patrolled

areas would be expanded, with the Yarra and Swan Rivers already under serious consideration.

Mr Ruddock said all rednecks and racists were welcome, and that “charity begins somewhere else.”  He denied it

would be a kind of “Dad’s Army”, but did say he thought of himself as a suave John Le Mesurier type.

The Home Guard proposal has received support from many groups,  including the Cronulla rioters and the

Institute of Public Affairs, but criticism from human rights groups.

An Aboriginal spokesman said he “fully supported sending back some non-indigenous people”, and that

he knew where he would start.